I can only speak from one mouth, but I should see from as many of the eyes that see me too

John Green always said that empathy is humanity's greatest tool for understanding and loving, but it is also the most difficult to wield because we are built facing inwards, constantly looking to see ourselves in everything. I am a person diseased with paradoxes and contradictions. I sometimes say what I think, but I cannot force anyone to see what I see just as I see it. That is fine because I will not pretend to understand you fully when I never will (I barely understand myself at all). I might understand the situation but I will never know the truest depths of your situation. I don't think people get this enough. I don't think people quite understand that no-one is more than human and no-one is less than human. Know yourself better and you might find that you're more able to let go of blind anger and misjudgement more easily... It's difficult and I forget it too often but meh. tis nothing but a thought.. an insignificant whisper into the void that many better brains have shouted clearer than I. don't mind my mindlessness.

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Now I keep replaying the song so I can hear him sing 'Spanish boots of Spanish leather' with that sad, sighing and shaking voice, so that I can feel it punch my gut and slowly rip out the back of my throat every time, because if I don't feel it for long, I'll start thinking about it again and I don't want to think because that's too much for me tonight. I think too much. Don't we all, when the devil's two-stepping with our minds and foxtrotting on our hearts.

Why is it so embarrassing to admit that we want to care and love? I honestly don't get it.

I know that it is good to be happy because of nothing. It is good to love purely because of no-one in particular (or because of everyone). But I'm still not convinced I deserve to be happy right at this moment because I do not purely love enough. There's still so much I have to put right. And now I'm lost for words - perhaps a little scared - but it's okay cos I'm taking everything in. I'm still learning. Sitting still and letting the ocean slowly ebb its silvery way to my feet, and I will let the ocean keep advancing even though I know I'll be terrified when it arrives-- I will let that ocean of good drown me once and for all and you will never find my body because it will be lost out at sea (perhaps then I will finally find my Dead Sea). That is what I want more than anything. To let the good waves of joy drown all of our fucking sorrows. I'm not letting the alcohol drown the little optimism I have because it's a futile exercise - a madman's pursuit of a madman's delusion. That's the surest way to fall out of oneself; into a 'private hell', so to speak. I don't know much about me, but I'm not made for hell. I deserve it (God knows I do) but I'm not made for it. I don't think anyone is.

I taught myself to expect too much of the world and of ourselves. It wouldn't hurt to just be real more often.

Like I always say;

I'm trying.
I'm honestly trying.